All These Thoughts
by pink bunny2
Summary: Abby's thinking about her life and her relationship *Carby*


All These Thoughts  
  
(Just so you're warned, it's carby. If you don't like it, please don't read it!)  
  
Spoilers: Only up till the end of series 8 - I haven't seen series 9. Speaking of which - 4 days to go until it finally starts!  
  
Rating: PG - nothing bad in this chapter. May change.  
  
Author's Note: Uhh a little different to previous things I've written I guess. But read, hopefully enjoy, and I appreciate any reviews/constructive criticism.  
  
Sarah xxx  
  
(Written in Abby's POV)  
  
Chapter One: Life's not like the Movies  
  
It's odd, how you can be friends with someone for so long and then everything suddenly changes. It's almost as if one day you wake up and feel completely differently. But then they don't feel the same anymore . . .or at least you don't think they do, and you go on like that for ages. Then the most ridiculous, bizarre events bring you together again, and WHAM. All those feelings come flooding back into your head.  
  
Quarantined because of a deadly virus, in the hospital where you work isn't exactly the best place to start a relationship. But it happened. We spent two weeks in that godforsaken place . . .and now, six months on, we're still together.  
  
The chief resident and the head nurse. We make quite a pair in that respect, according to Susan in one of her more drunken moments. She and Deb never stop teasing me, but to be honest I don't mind. It's not something I'm ashamed of, although when their questions begin to require more . . .graphic answers I swiftly change the subject! They keep telling me they can't understand why it took us so long - seems like John and I were a little slow on the uptake.  
  
But I've got to admit this is different. It's not all hearts and flowers, not all that sentimental Hallmark stuff. Sure, that's all nice, but it's such a superficial way to tell someone how you feel. Life's not like the movies where everything's perfect . . .rose petals everywhere, candles, soft music . . .although he did . . .no, wait.  
  
That's another story, another time. I'd rather know that someone's feelings were from the heart rather than some stupid, expensive gesture. I guess that's the difference between lust and love. Lust can masquerade as love, but it eventually fades away, leaving . . .well, nothing really. Just memories of what had been. But sometimes, it can take a long time to wear off.  
  
Take Richard. I was so fooled by my feelings that I married him. But when it wore off I just felt bitter. Ashamed even, that I'd believed I'd always love him. That's one reason why I couldn't have his child. I didn't want a child to grow up in a family where their parents didn't love one another. And then there was the possibility of them being bi-polar. It just wasn't right.  
  
Then Luka. It took less time for me to realise that it wasn't love. But still, I was fooled. And yeah, it was good, at the start. But then all we were left with was emptiness. A lack of communication - we never talked properly. I couldn't have a conversation with him about how I was feeling; there wasn't that connection. I shouldn't have been thinking about telling him how I felt, he should have known.  
  
Like John does. I swear he seriously has ESP. Either that or he's really in tune with how I feel. I suspect it's the latter. To a certain extent, he can read me like a book. But there are those little hidden things . . .like the meaning beneath the words in a book. A little Pandora's box of memories, negative things and most of all the little secrets that I can't bring myself to tell anyone. Not even him.  
  
Not yet anyway. Maybe I will, when the time is right. But they're too serious at the moment. After all, it has only been six months. We're still at the stage where whenever we're together we have to be touching in some way. But that's not a bad thing . . .and to be honest I can't see that disappearing any time soon. Actually I can't imagine feeling any different to the way I feel now. It just feels right.  
  
That doesn't sound like something I would have said six months ago. Things change. People change. I guess I'm not the person I used to be. I really used to believe that there would be this one fairytale romance that would never end. You know, Prince Charming coming along and sweeping you off your feet. Every girl dreams it, right?  
  
But in reality it doesn't happen. Although I have to admit my relationship with John is coming pretty close. There have been some pretty perfect moments . . .but I'll save those memories for another time. And even with those moments, there are still nights when we'll get home, absolutely exhausted and just crash straight away. And then there are the times when things are anything but perfect. When one of us has a problem . . .generally me and my screwed up family . . .  
  
Like I said, life's not like the movies.  
  
  
  
*****  
  
To Be Continued 


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